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General Category => The Coffee Shop => Topic started by: GrayBeard on June 28, 2010, 12:07:54 am
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Mature Audiences....You HAVE been Warned!
BUT too FUNNY not to SHARE!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that .. . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!
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Oh sh*t I'm still in hysteric's have't laugh so much in a while .
Bloody hell mate thats classical.
I'll have to post this a few times.
Merlin
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Merlin you just made my day!
I hoped at least one person would laugh as hard as I did. Glad i wasn't drinking anything when I read it!!!
It is also great to know that in a few minutes that story traveled half-way around the world to tickle someone's funny bone.
Have a great day, mate!
~~~GrayBeard~~~
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Great Merlin I can picture it. Your wife would not let you forget it soon I think. Had a good laugh.
Thanks for sharing.
David
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Thx for the laughs. Just what I needed this am as got up early so I could have some coffee before going in for cataract surgery.
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Kepy...Good Luck with the cataract cut!
I get another evaluation 9/15 but so far they are not progressing very quickly but I do have them.
Only a matter of time according to the eye Dr.
Hope all goes well!
Prayers coming your way....
~~~GrayBeard~~~
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Just to let you know, the surgery went great. The biggest problem is all the drops you have to use before and after. Sure does help the vision. Can now watch tv without glasses.
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That is GREAT news!
So happy for you!
That surgery sure is different than 20 years ago....
Enjoy your NEW world.....
~~~GrayBeard~~~
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You did good Kepy. Glad to hear it!
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Kepy...Good Luck on surgery. GrayBeard you are sick, have a warped mind, OMG. Some how we still keep coming back for more. 8)
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I'll quit passing them on whenever you say STOP!