Topics

31

The Coffee Shop / Ouch! - Kind of long but worth the read

« on: December 11, 2012, 10:52:49 am »

Cat Lover or Not, this is funny!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.  On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.  Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.   'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
 'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
 'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
 There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.   Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.   The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.   Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.   Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
Why is it that only YOU  women laugh at this? 

32

The Coffee Shop / Girls' Night Out

« on: December 09, 2012, 06:52:49 pm »

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
 One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
 The other friend didn't want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
 They went home and the next day one of the women's husbands called the other and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!"
 "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
 "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

33

The Coffee Shop / Secret Santa Arrived!

« on: December 09, 2012, 10:55:06 am »

Thanks Dennis (Michigan Scroller)! 

34

The Coffee Shop / Cranky Old Man

« on: December 05, 2012, 10:20:29 am »

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

35

The Coffee Shop / Lots Going On...

« on: December 03, 2012, 08:11:16 pm »

...but I did get my Christmas ornament for the exchange mailed off. 

Nov. 30 was my last day of work. I worked for Comair Airlines for the past 6+ years and they have closed their doors. I'm glad to have December off, but I'm sure come February the wife will be tired of me sitting around in my underwear watching Oprah.    Well, I really hope to find employment by then.

Since our kids are all moved out, we put our house on the market. Well, go figure, we accepted an offer but they want us out by the end of December. So much for taking December off. I really wanted to do a lot of scrolling.  Looks like I'll be jobless and homeless. 

On top of that, I was selected for jury duty and have to show up tomorrow!  Well, they let people off duty that have vacations, so hopefully they will let me go also.

At least my son plans to come home mid December. I plan to put him to work packing and moving. This will be a Christmas to remember.

36

Brag Forum / Candle Holder

« on: November 24, 2012, 08:23:08 pm »

I really like Steve Good's candle holder but wanted to make it more universal. Here's what I came up with. It's made of walnut with plywood inserts. The inserts can be removed and replaced with other inserts. This way, you can create inserts for any season and use the same candle holder. You can even make a panel with a name or two and give it as a gift.

I still have to finish it. I will probably add feet and a lid to complete it. I'm also thinking of adding translucent paper to the inserts to diffuse the light and give it a more finished look. Any opinions?

Thanks for looking. Any comments or recommendations are appreciated. (Sorry for the low quality pictures.)

37

Brag Forum / Trivet

« on: November 14, 2012, 05:32:40 pm »

My sister is hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year so I thought I'd give her a little thank you gift. This is Steve Good's pattern made from walnut.

38

The Coffee Shop / My wife stopped talking to me...

« on: November 11, 2012, 09:08:55 pm »

My wife stopped talking to me. She caught me peeing in the shower. After we left Home Depot, I appologized, but she still won't talk to me.

39

The Coffee Shop / Why I sleep on the couch...

« on: November 11, 2012, 09:06:11 pm »

My wife said she couldn't live without me. She said I can't depart this world before she does. I said, "I can arrange that!" Now I sleep on the couch.

40

Brag Forum / Wolf Head

« on: October 05, 2012, 09:06:48 pm »

Well, thanks go out to a few people for this one. Crusty59 did one and I just had to give it a try. I used twine instead of leather to hole the portrait to the frame. Leather just wasn't cooperating. I also put a backer board and made the head a little smaller. I'm pretty satisfied with it. Comments and critiques welcome.

41

General Scroll Saw Talk / Turkeys

« on: September 15, 2012, 06:16:54 pm »

Last year I decided to make some unfinished, stand-up Christmas trees from 1/8' plywood. The idea is to sell them at craft shows to help parents keep their kids interested in crafts. That was a customer's idea and I thought it was great. Now, my wife says turkeys would be a great idea too. Now sure why I never come up with ideas, but I said, let's give it a try. Below is the result of her idea.

I will put the pattern in the pattern area if anyone is interested.

Couple of nice things about these: They can be painted or colored with markers, they disassemble for easy storage, and they are thin enough to stack cut. A pal from another site suggested putting name on them and using them name plates at Thanksgiving dinner. He's a smart guy.

Edited: I couldn't figure out how to add a PDF to the gallery so I am putting it on this thread.

42

The Coffee Shop / SawStop? Not so fast says Stephen Colbert

« on: February 18, 2012, 08:51:18 am »

Enjoy the video.

http://www.finewoodworking.com/item/45040/stephen-colbert-takes-the-sizzle-out-of-sawstop/?&lookup=auto&V18=&V19=&V20=&V21=&V22=&V23=&V24=&V25=&V26=&V53=&V54=&Taun_Per_Flag=true&utm_source=email&utm_medium=eletter&utm_term=tablesaw-safety-controversy&utm_content=20120218-sawstop-spoof-stephen-colbert&utm_campaign=fine-woodworking-eletter

43

General Scroll Saw Talk / Trees

« on: January 16, 2012, 09:29:45 pm »

My wife thinks I'm insane! I'm working on items for next Christmas.

I made some of these trees a few years ago. My thought is to leave them unfinished and sell them cheap. The selling point will be to let the kids paint and decorate them. I'm thinking of using some small scraps to make tiny ornaments to decorate the trees (but not sure how that will work). I think I'll have a few decorated different ways to give customers some ideas. And one of the great things about these is, they can be taken apart and laid flat for storage. The three sizes shown are 6", 5", and 4". I stack six pieces of BB ply and cut. Takes about 30 minutes to cut and sand the pieces to make 6 trees.

I will put the pattern in the pattern area.

Comments or other ideas always welcome.

Edit: OK, I thought there was a pattern section here. I'll just add the pattern here.

44

General Scroll Saw Talk / Secret Santa Ornaments Arrived

« on: December 20, 2011, 06:23:49 pm »

Thanks Jerry (jhiggins)! You did a great job on these. The wife hung them on the tree before I could take pictures. Well, I took them down to share with you all.

Thanks again Jerry.

45

General Scroll Saw Talk / Got Some Ornaments Today

« on: December 20, 2011, 06:15:16 pm »

Thanks Jerry (jhiggins)! You did a great job on these. The wife hung them on the tree before I could take pictures. Well, I took them down to share with you all.

Thanks again Jerry.