Topics

16

The Coffee Shop / Southern home protection

« on: January 31, 2013, 11:12:56 pm »

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to the Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.
3. put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines
4. Leave a note that reads....

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls.  They got the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part,
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.  Anyway, I locked all four
of 'em in the house.  Better wait outside. Be right back,  Cooter.

17

The Coffee Shop / Hillbilly vasectomy

« on: January 30, 2013, 07:20:24 pm »

 
 
HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
 
 
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and  his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is  to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS),
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'


The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to  count!


'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

( you'll love  this...)



At which point he paused, placed the beer can  between his legs,
and.......continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Kentucky,
Mississippi , Parts of Georgia, West Virginia, and All of Washington  DC.

18

The Coffee Shop / Pregnant women

« on: November 22, 2012, 09:57:00 am »

A group of pregnant women and their husbands attended a prenatal class.  The instructor emphasized the importance of staying healthy during pregnancy.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," she said.  "Walking is quite beneficial.  And gentlemen, it wouldn't kill you to walk with her."
One man piped up, "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag while she's walking?"

19

The Coffee Shop / Senior Q and A

« on: November 08, 2012, 10:17:09 am »

Q: Where can men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
 
 
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 70-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
 
 
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got  a your sense of humor!
 - - - - - - - - - -

20

General Scroll Saw Talk / fun tuesday

« on: October 31, 2012, 08:49:01 am »

Had a great day yesterday as I got to attend an estate auction.  Picked up a like new DW788, a little lumber, some hand tools, a large tarp, a couple of whetstones and a couple of sanding belt cleaning sticks plus some more small items hand tools, etc.  All for $236.
Now need to crank up the DW and get my ornament ready for mailing.

21

The Coffee Shop / Kids in the hospital

« on: October 20, 2012, 10:59:23 am »

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other,
waiting outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four.They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
The second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that
done when I was*BORN*...Couldn't walk for a year.

22

Computer questions / Help

« on: September 17, 2012, 09:12:58 am »

Is anyone else having trouble with firefox?  It keeps crashing and will not let me stay on long enough to accomplish anything.

23

The Coffee Shop / Lesson in living

« on: July 21, 2012, 12:02:03 pm »

An old man, a boy & a donkey
were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people

who remarked "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who
remarked "What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk."
So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people
who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent
donkey to ride."
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people
who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to
carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,

you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

24

The Coffee Shop / Old is just old, not dumb

« on: July 10, 2012, 01:06:27 pm »

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb! A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.' 'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.' Never mess with old people.

25

The Coffee Shop / Suthunuhs

« on: May 31, 2012, 11:19:26 am »

Suthunuhs!
 
 
Southerners know their summer weather report:

    Humidity
    Humidity
    Humidity

Southerners know their vacation spots:

    The beach
    The rivuh
    The crick

Southerners know everybody's first name:

    Honey
    Darlin'
    Shugah

Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
 

    Fried Green Tomatoes
    Driving Miss Daisy
    Steel Magnolias
    Gone With The Wind
    Lonesome Dove

Southerners know their religions:

    Bapdiss
    Methdiss
    Football

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

    Chawl'stn
    S'vanah
    Foat Wuth
    N'awlins
    Addlanna

Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:

    Men in uniform
    Men in tuxedos
    Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

    The Mall
    The Country Club

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

    Having bad hair and nails
    Having bad manners
    Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows:

    The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows:

    How many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner:

    Can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner:

    Knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners:

    Know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner:

    Knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners:

    Grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner:

    Both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner:

    Would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows:

    That "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners:

    Make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room:

    And half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South:

    "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural.

Southerners:

    Know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows:

    That tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say:

    "Sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows:

    You don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff... bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
Southern girls:

    Know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah !

    There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine!

    Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a'been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Pray - Vote - And buy more Ammunition!

26

The Coffee Shop / Beware of older men

« on: December 16, 2011, 08:37:36 am »

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
  A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
 
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
 
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
 
'About 32,' is the reply.'
 
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
 
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself... She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
 
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
 
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
 
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
 
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are'
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
 
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
 
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
 
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
 
'I promise I won't' she says.
 
'I was behind you at McDonalds'

27

Computer questions / email help

« on: November 24, 2011, 03:02:57 pm »

I am trying to install an outlook express account.  It keeps asking for an incoming mail something and also a SMTP something.  I have no idea what to put.  Can someone tell me what to use?

28

Brag Forum / My latest

« on: July 25, 2011, 05:33:53 am »

These are my latest projects.  Some of them will used as door prizes at the ice cream social at my church next month.  Since I stack cut them, will have some for Christmas also.

29

The Coffee Shop / Warning

« on: March 30, 2011, 10:00:31 am »

I don't know how Steve did it but beware if you don't want your images posted on this site.  I think his latest is from a photo in my family album.

30

The Coffee Shop / Wish me luck

« on: March 17, 2011, 07:17:44 am »

I may need all the luck I can find today as have to do an "Echo Stress Test".  I can usually handle the walking fine but the last time they took pictures, I didn't do so well and wound up getting an angiogram.  If that's not bad enough, they called yesterday and I have to have another CT Scan which they can't do until the end of the month.  This whole process is getting to me.  I feel like my life is on hold for months and can't plan anything.